Ask Ed And Red

Ask Ed The Sock 19:

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Ask Ed & Red

Ed The Sock and His Gal Pal RedIn every issue of FAZE MAGAZINE, our readers bare their souls to Ed The Sock & Red, Canada’s high priest and priestess of morality, etiquette and, especially, common sense. Here are Ed & Red’s unfettered and heartfelt replies.

Send your own questions to and hopefully Ed & Red will be able to answer you in an upcoming issue of FAZE.

ISSUE #19 Q & A

Faze Reader:
You always smoke the same cigar. What’s up with that? Is it a real Cuban?

I recognize that you aren’t a trained journalist, but you should still have had enough education to understand that “What’s up with that?” is not a coherent question. It lacks precision, focus and direction. I will therefore answer the only actual question you posed – no, it is not a Cuban cigar. Why should I waste that kind of money? And no, I don’t recommend you take up smoking cigars, unless you, too, are a puppet without lungs.

Faze Reader:
My girlfriend doesn’t trust me because her friend likes me, so she thinks that I want to go out with her friend. What should I tell my girlfriend to convince her I still like her?

It isn’t that your girlfriend doesn’t trust you – she doesn’t trust her ability to keep you interested in the face of the temptation provided by her friend. Now, if this girl were really her friend, she would have kept her attraction to herself. But that’s another issue. Unfortunately, girls are often insecure. The media tells them they are never good enough, at least until they’ve starved themselves and had countless unnecessary cosmetic surgeries. Just show her that you value her, treat her with respect and show sensitivity to her concerns. And don’t go publicly drooling over those surgically enhanced bimbos on the cover of Maxim.

Faze Reader:
I cut my hair six months ago and since then my hair’s grown about a centimetre. Is there something wrong with my head/scalp?

Have you confused me for a doctor? Better yet, a scalp specialist? If so, there may be something wrong with your head that has nothing to do with the health of your follicles.

Faze Reader:
My boyfriend is so embarrassing. He is always making fart jokes in public and thinks they are funny. Sometimes he’ll even do that fake burping thing for no reason. I’ve told him I’m uncomfortable hanging out with him when he does these things, but he just laughs at me. Can I break up with him over this? Please say yes.
Okay, here’s the bigger question – why are you asking a stranger for permission to make decisions that affect your life? If he makes you uncomfortable in his behaviour, and won’t stop out of respect for your discomfort – dump him. While burping-on-command is a bit much, good luck finding a guy who doesn’t think fart jokes are funny. I think they’re hilarious. Here, pull my finger…

Faze Reader:
Is there a Mrs. Ed the Sock — you’re always doing media stuff—does that affect your time with her? And are your parents proud of you?

Okay, time for more journalism lessons. In your first sentence, you asked not one but two questions, and neither one very well. No, there is no Mrs. Ed the Sock, and my personal life is none of your business, unless I put it on my TV show.

Faze Reader:
My ex is so annoying. She always comes to parties where she knows I’ll be at and then stares at me or gives me dirty looks if I’m talking with other girls. I don’t really like her that much and I want to tell her to get out of my life, but that’s mean. What should I do?

Absolutely nothing. You owe her no explanation for your social activities. She is just trying to get your attention to prove that she still has importance in your life. Ignore her. She’ll move on, and so will you. Then again, maybe she gives you dirty looks because you’re a jerk. Maybe some introspection is required. After you’ve looked up the word in the dictionary.

Ed The Sock Album Cover

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