Some wedding speeches are romantic. Some are inspiring and some are full of meaningful anecdotes. These are the qualities that make up the best wedding speeches ever. Some wedding speeches however, are memorable for a completely different reason.
Here are the 10 worst wedding speeches that you could possibly imagine.
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Pogo Sisters
This is a maid of honor speech examples for the books! My now-husband hooked up with the maid of honor a few years before we got together. She actually introduced us and everyone was cool with it.. Until the speech. She proceeds to “joke” that everyone should be thanking her for test driving the groom and making sure that he was good enough for me. I knew she was joking and remember it a as a funny bridesmaid speech. But, the look on my guests’ faces made it clear they did not.
Accidental Racist
Think you’ve witnessed a few bad wedding toasts? Wait until you hear this. My wife and I are a mixed race couple. This didn’t seem to be an issue with anyone at the reception until my uncle stood up. He started talking about how nice it is that we’re all able to get along. That’s an awkward speech on it’s own, but he continues on and starts naming his black friends he went to school with! You can’t even really apologize for that kind of behavior.
SUI – Speaking Under The Influence
This is the most hilarious wedding speech ever! Or is it? Truth is no one really knows. My brother’s a little older than me and has never married. By the time his turn to speak rolled around he was way past the legal limit to speak in public. He gestured. He laughed to himself hysterically. He asked “Ama right!?” He air high-fived the entire room thinking he nailed that speech! Trouble is, he slurred so much we didn’t have a clue what he said.
Runner Up
Mothers have a special skill. They seem to be able to sound sweet while actually being quite savage. When my wife’s mother stepped up to deliver what has to be one of the worst wedding toasts of all time, she starts with “You know, I always thought Eva was going to marry Jason.” That was just the intro. “He had a great job, lots of ambition, and he was so handsome. I don’t know how you screwed that up dear.” Is the funny part over yet? “But, Ted (me) is a real nice guy so I guess you coulda done worse.” G, thanks mom.
Who’s Next?
My grandfather isn’t healthy. It was a borderline miracle that he could even attend my wedding and we were all shocked when he stood up to talk. But, it wasn’t the majestic wisdom we were all hoping for. “Love is in the air!” he proclaimed, good start. Then he looks over at my sister. “Jenny, it’s about time you get married too. Look at that handsome couple everyone.” and demanded a round of applause. She turned stop-sign red. She had only been dating her boyfriend for about 6 weeks at that point, and they broke up a few days later. Sorry sis.
Planning for divorce
My husband’s not funny, but he thinks he is. Instead of professing his love on the happiest day of our lives, he decided to try out his stand-up routine. He talked about divorce statistics and how we’ve never won the lotto, so don’t count on being lucky. Then, he lists all of my good qualities saying that’s “what good starter wives are made of”. He ends the toast by asking everyone to raise a glass to “his first wife”. The smile on his face tells me he thought it was the funniest groom speech of all time. In reality, my mother actually cornered the officiant and asked if there’s a 24 hour clause in the marriage certificate.
Bad Day For Best Man
This has to be the worst best man speech in history. Ben and I knew each other from grade 2 and he’s always been super upbeat and charming. But, poor timing took over. He recently lost his job and his fiance called off their wedding just a few days prior. “Just know how lucky you are, because life can get so bad” and “appreciate what you have while it lasts” were just a few of the gems. You can just imagine the rest.
Old School Values
It’s hard to be angry at my mom. She meant well. With full enthusiasm she welcomes my new bride to the family. Then, she proceeds to rant about how many hours she’ll be spending in the kitchen and offering to share her homemade tile cleaning recipe. Oh, she didn’t forget to ask when she can expect her first grand kid. When my wife shouted back that she’s a lawyer and will be working full time, the look on my mom’s face…. No words.
Short but Sweet?
My new father-in-law stands up to make his toast. He starts with “You know when I first met John, I didn’t like him very much”. We all leaned in to see what he’d say next, but he just kind of wandered off mumbling something about “no one is good enough for my little girl”. Drinks may have been involved.
The Beard
My new sister in law steps up to the mic and opens with (what I thought was a joke) “When I first met Robert, I thought he was gay”. This received a few sincere laughs. But, instead of getting into why I was clearly a good match for her sister she continued. She mentioned a few examples which “proved her theory” then stepped away from the mic. By the end of it, I’m sure half the reception was convinced.
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Conclusion
What’s the lesson here? If you’re not naturally funny, this is not the appropriate place to change people’s minds. Stay sober, and keep the exes out of it. Do this and you’ll stand a good chance of staying out of our next Worst Wedding Speeches top 10 list.
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