If you are like many people and struggling to figure out what is wrong with your thoughts and feelings, then you may have landed on the idea that there is something wrong in the bedroom. Listen, don’t get ahead of yourself. What goes on in the bedroom is 50% mental and 50% physical. If something is causing a change or worrying you about your sex life since getting married, it could be the physical stuff in the moment, or it could be what you bring into the bedroom.
Before you make that call, let’s talk through what sex can look like after marriage. But note that it isn’t the same for everyone. What’s important is the satisfaction you get from the totality of your relationship.
What Was Sex Before Marriage?
Take a step back in your thoughts. What was sex like before marriage? How often did you have it then? Was it on specific nights or only when you wanted it? What was the situation? Here is an example, it could be that you had amazing experiences, but they were only associated with date nights, or more often at the beginning of a relationship. Maybe your frequency was affected by the freedom of school or if there were projects and exams on the schedule. It could be that sex was more frequent when you were single or vice versa.
These questions get to the point of “who were you before marriage” and “was there an expectation that it would always be that way.” The beautiful part of life is that it constantly changes. True, it is difficult, but in that we learn about our needs and can separate them from our wants.
Also, to establish if you are really satisfied with your post marriage sex life you need to have a baseline for comparison. Your pre-marriage sex life is important because it has helped shape who you are today. You and your partner can enjoy the pleasures of the bedroom in a bubble of trust and no judgment. But if you are thinking that there should be more then it is good to acknowledge and understand what you might have lost along the way.
Before moving on to the next step gauge how much sex you were having, how pleasurable it was in the moment, and what you were physically doing. This will be a peg for a comparison to your current situation.
Is There Too Little or Too Much Marital Sex?
Alexandra Fine, the credentialed sexologist over at Dame Products, describes how as we age in a relationship our sexual experiences decrease, but the satisfaction doesn’t have to, it can actually improve. As our bodies age their natural tendency to have sex constantly all the time and everywhere drops. This is reasonable. We can’t invert the donkey like we used to. So, maybe, a nice cuddle session is just as satisfying and pleasurable.
The amount of sex that you might ascribe to too much or too little isn’t directly connected to a number. Making an emotional feeling into an equation isn’t satisfying at all. Think to all of those moments in TV and film where the husband and wife are “forced” to have sex just because the woman is ovulating. That couple has recast sex into a formulaic action necessary for biological duplicating and birthing. Not the sexiest thing in the world for sure. This means that the answer isn’t 25 times a year or 100 times a year for either.
The amount of sex each couple should be having depends on the couple’s levels of satisfaction. Rather, the better question isn’t about how much sex you are having but should be concerning the quality of the moment and the connection of the individuals.
Are You Satisfied?
It doesn’t matter if you have sex once a year or once a day. If you aren’t satisfied with the experience, more or less sex won’t help. Think back to your pre-marriage sexual experiences. Is there something different besides the emotions that you felt? Maybe it was a technique or a time. Often sex isn’t the answer or the problem.
Rather, sex is an experience that is a reflection on the connection of the couple. Sure, you can have great sex with someone you have no connection with, but you can’t have a superior sexual life with someone you don’t know. That person you don’t know isn’t always your partner either. Talk with your partner about what you are feeling and how you would like to change what is going on in the bedroom. If you don’t know what you want, then let them help figure it out. When you talk through it as a couple, you grow and solve the problem as a couple.